again

so it happen and it is obviously not the same to thing that it happened that to be told is true.
why is honesty so hard?
why can people be honest?
i am really part of a very small group of people that straight forward?
today i was told that i am part of a very small group of people.
it sucks again. and it opens up a wound that had not fully healed.

so, if you take anything from reading anything anywhere. BE HONEST!
it hurts less (yes, it might be hard to swallow, but it will be better in the end) and no, you are not protecting anyone. the truth comes out.

things get better

have patience!

everything comes around

whether it is with the same person or with another things go in cycles.

and this cycle came back.

but i am not standing in the same place that i stood

i see things in a different light and i feel calm

i like feeling this peace and don't want to change it.

I find it amazing that with time everything REALLY feels better. ok.. really, I have dealt with the anger, sadness and i am ready for closure.
i guess it just makes perfect sense, i must close to begin.
feel a lot more at peace and even though  i still wonder why i took so long in taking this step, i no longer resent myself for it. which i think is an improvement on the part of forgiving,
i still believe that the manner could have been another, this is the BEST that could have happen. i am at peace, and have been able to enjoy my life in the last couple of months like I had not in a couple of years.
not that it was all bad, but I amazed of how in a couple of weeks, I have been able to enjoy so much.
it shows.

dealing with it

I don't want to say that it is easy. on the contrary it is not. i know that i asked for it. i wanted this part to start so it will be over. so, it is painful.
 going to a kids birthday party without my kids, that really took a lot of me. but it was necesary. i cannot hide or pretend that it is not happening.
it is happening and i am dealing it with.
 i am really sad. i feel better about why i stayed. and i can go to bed thinking that i really tried. but i can see that i had mistakes. not that it matters now. i guess only so i don't do them again.
i fix the last drawer- not easy- the ring, the necklaces...each piece was very sad to see.

i stayed away this weekend. and i know that it is better that right now and i am at home alone, instead of having dinner with someone. being here is part of dealing with it.

i have seen a romantic movie- which of course made my eyes water.
dating shows--- which have been interesting.

de lo que no quiero hablar.

fine. i will admit that is not what it looks like... really how could it be? not even i could have believe it.
so, if it is not what it looks like then what it is?
anger- yes, while i may not want to admit. i am angry. i am mad at my self and angry at him.
sad- yes, it is sad. really fucking sad, that so much time was given para nada.
triste que se hizo tanto pero no se hizo nada.
muy triste.

no me habia sentido asi desde hace un mes. pero desde anoche me pego.
i guess part of moving on, dealing with it and not hiding to myself. like with most things, denial comes first. so hopefully i am a bit closer to ...next...

y como le digo q juli, que no "puedo" ir a desayunar o a la piscina con ella?
como le digo que aunque no tengo plan y no desayune?  igual no puedo ir.
como le digo?
q triste tener que decirle que no, por ella. she doesn't get it. and it sucks to that i have to lie and make up something
how could i say something without lying. what, i can't tell her, that him and I don't do plans together anymore. why remind her of that. she is only 7