everything comes around

whether it is with the same person or with another things go in cycles.

and this cycle came back.

but i am not standing in the same place that i stood

i see things in a different light and i feel calm

i like feeling this peace and don't want to change it.

I find it amazing that with time everything REALLY feels better. ok.. really, I have dealt with the anger, sadness and i am ready for closure.
i guess it just makes perfect sense, i must close to begin.
feel a lot more at peace and even though  i still wonder why i took so long in taking this step, i no longer resent myself for it. which i think is an improvement on the part of forgiving,
i still believe that the manner could have been another, this is the BEST that could have happen. i am at peace, and have been able to enjoy my life in the last couple of months like I had not in a couple of years.
not that it was all bad, but I amazed of how in a couple of weeks, I have been able to enjoy so much.
it shows.

dealing with it

I don't want to say that it is easy. on the contrary it is not. i know that i asked for it. i wanted this part to start so it will be over. so, it is painful.
 going to a kids birthday party without my kids, that really took a lot of me. but it was necesary. i cannot hide or pretend that it is not happening.
it is happening and i am dealing it with.
 i am really sad. i feel better about why i stayed. and i can go to bed thinking that i really tried. but i can see that i had mistakes. not that it matters now. i guess only so i don't do them again.
i fix the last drawer- not easy- the ring, the necklaces...each piece was very sad to see.

i stayed away this weekend. and i know that it is better that right now and i am at home alone, instead of having dinner with someone. being here is part of dealing with it.

i have seen a romantic movie- which of course made my eyes water.
dating shows--- which have been interesting.

de lo que no quiero hablar.

fine. i will admit that is not what it looks like... really how could it be? not even i could have believe it.
so, if it is not what it looks like then what it is?
anger- yes, while i may not want to admit. i am angry. i am mad at my self and angry at him.
sad- yes, it is sad. really fucking sad, that so much time was given para nada.
triste que se hizo tanto pero no se hizo nada.
muy triste.

no me habia sentido asi desde hace un mes. pero desde anoche me pego.
i guess part of moving on, dealing with it and not hiding to myself. like with most things, denial comes first. so hopefully i am a bit closer to ...next...

y como le digo q juli, que no "puedo" ir a desayunar o a la piscina con ella?
como le digo que aunque no tengo plan y no desayune?  igual no puedo ir.
como le digo?
q triste tener que decirle que no, por ella. she doesn't get it. and it sucks to that i have to lie and make up something
how could i say something without lying. what, i can't tell her, that him and I don't do plans together anymore. why remind her of that. she is only 7

perdonar.
anoche me hicieron esta pregunta. "y lo perdonaste?"
la respuesta fue rapida, "no"
por que no?
primero por el engaño.  que mamera la gente cobarde. por que la gente no afronta las cosas. que rabia. y de que sirve un "sorry", yeah right. there is no sorry, it is sorry you caught me.
That's all it is. no more than that.  because being sorry in my opinion means, having the guts to actually say something.
That is why I am still no ready to forgive.

Neustart

el camino ya se  esta dando a conocer. no se el destino pero se que no va al lugar donde comenze.

el camino esta lleno de variables que quizas se crucen o quizas no. por instantes  nos encontraremos y quizas estemos listos para cruzarnos pero quizas no.

la tecnología....me hace reir. por que será que recibo algo que no "tenia" que recibir. al parecer si tenia. eso solo me resalta que el camino es para este lado.

zero tolerancia- he pensado un poco en las faltas de las personas en mi vida y creo que yo soy muy tolerante con la gente. hay cosas que no debí haber pasado.

ej: dejarme sola a las 12:00 en la 82
ej: cachos- no se bien de cuantos--- pero digamos que los mas notorios
ej:dejar mensajes donde brindo mi amistad sin repuesta
ej: bending over backwards for people than didn't care

en fin... no es que ahora me volveré amarga con el tema, pero realmente no hay ninguna razón logica por la cual yo debería seguir tratando de hablarme con personas las cuales me han hecho tanto dano.
mas aun, no creo que es bueno para mi, que yo me hable con alguien que me dejo en una situación de notable peligro.

yo se que soy MUY autosuficiente, pero no obstante, una cosa no tiene nada que ver con la otra, ya que yo no haría eso a nadie.

el punto es que no toca tolerar eso de nadie. ZERO tolerancia